I struggled with self-hate and all that goes with it beginning in my teens.

I based my self-esteem on what I did or didn’t accomplish or by what others thought of me. The relentless need to be loved and accepted drove me to unhealthy relationships, which left emotional scars. Each time I was hurt, my world grew dimmer. 

My regrets seemed to outweigh the good things I’d done – by a huge margin. By the time I was in my twenties, emotional darkness closed in. I knew that if I didn’t begin (once and for all) to trust God, the darkness would overtake me. 

I sought Christian counseling and spent lots of time praying and reading my Bible. I came across Psalm 18:28 (ESV). 

For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.I clung to this verse. I desperately wanted God to lighten my darkness.

It wasn’t the first time I’d read this verse, but this time, its message “took.” 

It was around this time that I learned the value of meditating on Scripture. 

Regularly meditating (pondering) on Scripture changed my thought life. It helped me see things differently. I was God’s child – loved and valued unconditionally. I knew God had forgiven me for my destructive choices and suicidal attempts. I finally understood my heavenly Father had a purpose for me. This understanding gave me a brighter outlook on my life – and about myself.  

Ultimately, I realized I needed God to change my heart. I prayed for Him to help me desire Him and His love for me more than the love and approval of those around me. Eventually, I was even able to love and forgive those who had hurt me.  

Today when I keep God’s Word in the center of my thinking, I’m healthier, happier and more focused. More like the person I pray to be. The person God created me to be.

What do you think? 

You can use a pseudonym (fake name) when commenting if you want to.

• If regret is making your world a darker place, hiding God’s Word in your heart will invite Him to show up right in the middle of your circumstances, your relationships – even in your thought life. 
• As we begin preparing our hearts for Easter, will you ask God to reach into the areas of your life that desperately need it? 
• Will you allow His presence to lighten your darkness?

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