The birthdays God has given me – in spite of myself
“Where am I?”
“Southeast Memorial, Intensive Care Unit,” the nurse said, opening the window blinds.
“Why?” I shielded my eyes from the glaring sun. “Was I in an accident?”
She walked to the side of my bed and began a new IV bag. “You took a bottle of pills. Don’t you remember?”
“N-no. Are you sure?” I paused as the memory floated back – including the reason why I wanted to die. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I knew that given the opportunity, I would try again.
That was a dark and scary season in my life. It took years of counseling, the right medication, and lots of prayer before I finally acquired the skills and faith I needed to handle life’s stresses and disappointments. Not perfectly. Even today, I struggle with some anxiety, and disappointing days bring me to tears.
But though my life is far from perfect, I rejoice that this Saturday, I’ll be celebrating another birthday. Like most women, I don’t relish the extra lines and other signs that my body is aging, but I’m thankful for another year. Had I succeeded in taking my life on that evening long ago, I wouldn’t have the privilege today of coloring my gray and applying copious amounts of anti-wrinkle creams.
I am sensitive to the reality that many of my readers have lost someone to suicide and you can’t help but wonder why God didn’t protect your loved one. I am sincerely sorry for your pain. I lost a dear friend to suicide and it still affects me today. I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you who lost a spouse, child or sibling. You are in my prayers.
To those of us who are still alive despite our choices, I’d like to offer this verse:
I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the Lord. (Psalm 118:17 ESV).
I pray we will not take lightly the honor of sharing his marvelous works with those who need to hear about them. Indeed. I praise God for the opportunity He gives me, with this column, to recount to all of you what He continues to do in (and for) me.
What about you?
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- I know this is a painful subject for many of you. How can I pray for you?
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Sheryl, what a great reminder of God’s faithfulness!i have always been thankful for what God did for you and the testimony for Him you have. We love you! By the way we moved to Ohio! Will tell you about it maybe on the phone.note my new email.
Hello, dear Millie! You must know how often I think of you and Paul whenever I share this part of my story. Thank you for allowing God to use you to be one of the people who walked with me through those very dark years – and saved me from myself!
God bless you both.
I am so thankful you made it through that horribly painful season too.
Me, too, Barbara!! I also want to thank you for allowing God to use you in my life during a recent trial. Praise God, I wasn’t suicidal – but I most definitely needed a friend!
God bless you, precious lady!! God is soooo good!!!
God is soooo good, indeed! Thank you, Sue, for stopping by and your sweet words.
What a wonderful article! I hate that you were in so much pain. I honestly believe that you are a walking miracle. I love you so much
Thank you, Kathy! Thank you for being there for me so many times. I love you very, very much. And you’re right: I am a walking miracle of God’s compassion and grace.
Happy Birthday week Sheryl! Thanks be to God that he has tamed your “demons”. I am so sorry that I never knew of your struggles. My heart aches for all of those who struggle with feelings that ending their lives is the only way to cope.
God Bless You dear, sweet lady. I am sending huge hugs your way.
Thank you, Marla, for the birthday greeting and your very compassionate comment.I appreciate your friendship and hope to see you again.
And thank you, also, for the huge hugs!
Sheryl, I am glad you are a survivor and that today I get to be your husband. Happy Birthday Week!
Thanks, Hon. I praise God for what He brought me through AND for letting me live so that later I could be your wife! 🙂
Every day that you are alive is a blessing to me & to all who are touched by your compassion, love, & support. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have you as my mother. I love you very much & may you have a wonderful birthday!
Thank you, Josh. I love you very much, too – and thank God for protecting me so that I could have the privilege of being your mom. You are one of my biggest blessings.
And I always love it when you visit my blog and leave a comment, son.
What if you know God an love Him but stopping the pain an all is the answer? Tired of the battle and feeling so aline.
I couldn’t wait to respond to you until I got home so I’m glad we were able to connect using email using my phone. (I don’t know how to respond to comments on my blog on my phone.) Keep in touch, ME. I meant what I said in my email to you. We’ll get through this together – along with your counselor. Will you please give her a call? I’ll be praying for you.