“Where am I?”
“Southeast Memorial, Intensive Care Unit,” the nurse said, opening the window blinds.
“Why?” I shielded my eyes from the glaring sun. “Was I in an accident?”
She walked to the side of my bed and began a new IV bag. “You took a bottle of pills. Don’t you remember?”
“N-no. Are you sure?” I paused as the memory floated back – including the reason why I wanted to die. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I knew that given the opportunity, I would try again.
That was a dark and scary season in my life. It took years of counseling, the right medication, and lots of prayer before I finally acquired the skills and faith I needed to handle life’s stresses and disappointments. Not perfectly. Even today, I struggle with some anxiety, and disappointing days bring me to tears.
But though my life is far from perfect, I rejoice that this Saturday, I’ll be celebrating another birthday. Like most women, I don’t relish the extra lines and other signs that my body is aging, but I’m thankful for another year. Had I succeeded in taking my life on that evening long ago, I wouldn’t have the privilege today of coloring my gray and applying copious amounts of anti-wrinkle creams.
I am sensitive to the reality that many of my readers have lost someone to suicide and you can’t help but wonder why God didn’t protect your loved one. I am sincerely sorry for your pain. I lost a dear friend to suicide and it still affects me today. I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you who lost a spouse, child or sibling. You are in my prayers.
To those of us who are still alive despite our choices, I’d like to offer this verse:
I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the Lord. (Psalm 118:17 ESV).
I pray we will not take lightly the honor of sharing his marvelous works with those who need to hear about them. Indeed. I praise God for the opportunity He gives me, with this column, to recount to all of you what He continues to do in (and for) me.
What about you?
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- I know this is a painful subject for many of you. How can I pray for you?
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