“Where am I?”
“Southeast Memorial, Intensive Care Unit,” the nurse said, opening the window blinds.
“Why?” I shielded my eyes from the glaring sun. “Was I in an accident?”
She walked to the side of my bed and began a new IV bag. “You took a bottle of pills. Don’t you remember?”
“N-no. Are you sure?” I paused as the memory floated back – including the reason I wanted to die. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
I knew. If I had the opportunity, I’d try again.
That was a dark and scary season in my life. I underwent years of counseling, found the right medication, and prayed (and received) lots of prayer before I finally acquired the skills and faith to help me handle life’s stresses and disappointments. Not perfectly. Even today, though I no longer need medication, I struggle with some anxiety. Disappointing days bring me to tears.
Although my life is far from perfect, I rejoice that this past Friday, I celebrated another birthday. Like most women, I don’t relish the extra lines and other signs that my body is aging. But I’m thankful for another year. Had I succeeded in taking my life on that evening long ago, I wouldn’t have the privilege today of coloring my gray and applying copious amounts of anti-wrinkle creams.
I’m sensitive to the reality that many of my readers have lost someone to suicide. You wonder why God didn’t protect your loved one. I’m sincerely sorry for your pain. I lost a dear friend to suicide, and it still affects me today. I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you who lost a spouse, child or sibling. You are in my prayers.
To those of us who are still alive despite our choices, I’d like to offer this verse:
I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the Lord. (Psalm 118:17 ESV)
I pray we’ll not take lightly the honor of sharing God’s marvelous works with those who need to hear about them. I praise God for the opportunity He gives me with this blog to recount to you what He continues to do in (and for) me.
And what He can do for you.
(October is National Depression Awareness Month. If you’re in a mental health crisis, dial 988 and speak to a trained counselor. This nationwide Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7.)
What about you?
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